As the National Football Post’s Wes Bunting noted, Ndamukong Suh should have won the Heisman Trophy. But that’s OK, he’ll probably win the Walter Camp, the Maxwell and the Nobel Prize for Badassery (prior winners include Richard Dean Anderson, Macho Man Randy Savage and Batman). The defining moment of his college career is here, where he sheds a double-team, charges Colt McCoy and throws the 210-pound quarterback to the ground the way you or I would spike a football. But little is known of Suh before his time at Nebraska. Until now.

APThe inspiration for that Mario Williams/United Way commercial.

Suh is half-Cameroonian and half-Highlander. “Ndamukong” means “House of Spears” in the Ngema language, and he’s named after a 7-foot-3 grandfather who gained independence for Cameroon by defeating Andre the Giant in a steel cage match. Suh’s family is from Oregon, and Ndamukong made a name for himself at an early age by terrorizing loggers who dared threaten the protected spotted owl habitat (Ndamukong is a friend of all God’s creatures, except Trent Cole). His methods included caber-tossing logging trucks.

By the time he was 10, Ndamukong was being double-teamed in high school football contests. The state of Oregon had to change its high school football rules to allow holding if an offensive lineman was facing him. When he was 16, Suh impregnated the hottest cheerleader from a rival high school only by kissing her on the lips, but their now-6-year-old son is labeled a four-star recruit by Rivals.  You can see highlights of his games here.

Of course, Suh then accepted an offer to play at Nebraska, and he has given offensive linemen across the Big 12 nightmares for the past four years. After the Kansas-Nebraska game, psychiatrists in Lawrence said KU’s offensive line displayed symptoms similar to PTSD suffered by Iraq War veterans.

With the first pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Browns will take Jimmy Clausen.

Jets 26, Bucs 3

At this rate, Suh looks like he’ll end up on the Bucs. I’m all for him replicating Warren Sapp’s career, especially if that entails Ndamukong making fun of Lisa Lampanelli’s ladyparts on Comedy Central some day.

Browns 13, Steelers 6

The NFL Network: Come for the Millen, stay for the Browns.  I actually see the wisdom in hiring Millen to call games.  People will tune in just to mock him.  “He said the Browns don’t know how to build an organization?  Where does he get off?”  And so on.

Vikings 30, Bengals 10

Before you get too excited about the Bengals’ season, you need to remember that a prominent Cincinnati steakhouse has a dish named after Shayne Graham. No championship team would have a steak named for kicker.

Packers 21, Bears 14

Fox said Orlando Pace was a “key inactive.” They might as well have listed Richard Dent and The Fridge, too.

Dolphins 14, Jaguars 10

In case you missed it, you need to watch Billy Corben’s documentary on The U.  The highlight was Luther Campbell joking about breaking NCAA rules. I expected nothing less from a man lampooned in the greatest SNL skit of all time.  Luther, you’ll never play the big rooms working blue; ask Redd Foxx.

Saints 26, Falcons 23

Redskins fans are not surprised that Mark Brunell almost cost the Saints an undefeated season.

Colts 28, Broncos 16

APStart this man.

Indy’s willingness to sit its starters for the last few games heading into the playoffs is mind-boggling. It’s not just the guys at Football Outsiders: Every fan knows that this team won its only Super Bowl playing its top guys through the end of the season. The last coaching move that so flew in the face of logic was Red Sox manager Grady Little keeping Pedro Martinez in after 100 pitches, except the Colts do it every year.

Texans 34, Seahawks 7

And Houston wins the “They still have a team?” Bowl.

Patriots 20, Panthers 10

Patriots fans have officially replaced Steelers fans as the most annoying in the league. Not only are they obnoxious, they don’t know that much about football.  They’re the people who are cheering about a fumble even though the runner was clearly down. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Buck were a Pats fan.

Ravens 48, Lions 3

You’d think that a team coached by a Schwartz that plays a Cohen and a Levy would do better on Chanukah.

Redskins 34, Raiders 13

Do you think Devin Thomas wears No. 11 because he wishes his legs were as even as the two ones on his jersey? Also, the Raiders were assessed an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty when Jim Fassel’s son, who’s one of their coaches, ran on the field. Which was the worst 15-yard penalty assessed on a nepotistic coaching-staff hire since Mack Brown’s stepson tried to recover a fumble in the Holiday Bowl.

Bills 16, Chiefs 10

If you were stuck with this game, you should have pretended it was 1998 to make it watchable. People in Buffalo or Kansas City should have played “Sex and Candy” while the game was on.

Chargers 20, Cowboys 17

I was really looking forward to seeing Mike Scifres hit the TV at Jerryworld until I realized the Dallas defense can’t force three-and-outs. So I spent the game watching for a defensive lineman to waste Flozell Adams after a cheap shot.  Also, nobody should be surprised by the Cowboys’ cross-promoting “Avatar.” Both are expensive blue-clad disasters led by megalomaniacs that underperform in December.

Titans 47, Rams 7

The good news for Rams fans: Kurt Warner is leading a first-place team that went to the Super Bowl last year.

Eagles 45, Giants 38

I said last year that the Giants should give a Will Muschamp/Jimbo Fisher deal to Steve Spagnuolo, wherein he stays on as defensive coordinator until Tom Coughlin retires. Instead, he’s stuck playing Keith Null behind center in St. Louis and I’m stuck making Bill Sheridan voodoo dolls. I put him in between my Trent Cole and Flozell Adams voodoo dolls.

Dr. Nick Riviera’s Injury Report

”E.J. Henderson’s career might be over after he suffered leg displacement. You can see the video here, but it’s pretty gruesome. I haven’t been that grossed out since I performed gastric bypass surgery on Charlie Weis. So much fat…”

Chuck Klosterman’s Fantasy Pickup of the Week

”You need to snag Redskins running back Quinton Ganther off the waiver wire. Dan Snyder reminds me of Axl Rose. He thrives on dysfunction. The best year of his life was 1991 and his fans have given up all hope.”

Zombie Carl Sagan’s Monday Night Pick

Zombie Sagan.

”The most brilliant scientist I ever worked with was William Shockley. He invented the transistor, which altered the course of human history more than any other 20th-century product. Sadly, he tarnished his legacy by running his mouth about eugenics in his later years — similar to how Jon Gruden is ruining his name with his ‘Monday Night Football’ prattling.”

Cardinals 33, Niners 17

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