The most important things in the universe.  Ranked.  Daily.

1.  Maybe They Should’ve Hired Mariah to Replace Paula

Mariah Carey knows how to spice up a boring award acceptance speech:  get totally hammered first.  The lubricating booze sweat helped her slink out of her dress later.  Not that she needed it with five low-paid lackeys there to help her.

2.  Will Anyone Surpass His Vaunted Records for Most Birds Killed by Fastballs and Most Cameramen Shoved in Street?

The Big Unit Randy Johnson has retired from baseball, having amassed 303 wins, 5 Cy Youngs, 2 no-hitters and a World Series championship.  Despite those amazing accomplishments, Johnson will probably be best remembered for the Right Guard commercial where he annihilated those guys at dodgeball.

3.  Much Like Roger Federer, Horny Koalas Own Andy Roddick

The Australian Open is coming up, so all the famous tennis players are down there making appearances.  And what else do they have in Australia besides a tennis tournament, that wacky opera house and crazy Mohawk-wearing post-Apocalyptic motorcycle bandits?  Why, koalas, of course.  Koalas that like to have sex, in trees, and don’t care if Andy Roddick is trying to talk nearby.

4.  I Guess She Won’t be Showing Her Boobs on Twitter Anymore

Attention-craving pop singer Katy Perry has become engaged to her boyfriend, British comedian (?) Russell Brand.  It must really be love.  Either that or Katy is more old-fashioned than we thought, and this is the only way Russell can get in her knickers without just knocking her unconscious.

5.  What Do Brett Favre and Ken Whisenhunt Have in Common?  They Both Hate Mike McCarthy.

Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt has called out the Packers for running up the score on his team during their meaningless season-ender in Arizona Sunday.  Whisenhunt went so far as to accuse Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy of leaving his starters in just so Aaron Rodgers could pass Brett Favre for second on the all-time Packers single-season passing yardage list.  Anyone think Ken might be trying to drum up some fake animosity heading into the playoff rematch between his team and the Pack?  No one calls Ken Whisenhunt “The Master Motivator,” but maybe they should.  “The Masked Avenger” would also be a good nickname.

6.  Luxembourg?  They Don’t Even Have Snuggies or Five Minute Oil Changes There, do They?

A new poll shows the United States falling to 7th on the list of best places in the world to live, six behind leader France (damn frogs!!!) and one behind tiny Luxembourg.  Before all you Sarah Palin fans get mad about the America-bashing, keep in mind we’re still ahead of Socialist hellhole Canada.  And we completely kick Uruguay’s ass.

7.  The “I Love Otto” Coffee Mug Should’ve Been a Red Flag

55-year-old school bus driver Martha Thompson will spend time in jail after taking 30-odd upstate New York students for a drunken ride.  Surveillance video of the incident shows terrified students futilely imploring Thompson to stop the crazy before finally popping the emergency door and leaping out.  Holy shit, they touched the emergency door?  Doesn’t that get you five years of detention or something?

8.  When a Big Mac Attack Turns into Just a Plain Old Attack

Police are seeking a woman who was caught on video going apeshit in a McDonald’s after they apparently messed up her hamburger.  I wonder what they did that made her so mad.  Forgot to put limp, brownish lettuce on her Big Mac?  Used too much goat bile in the special sauce?  Accidentally made her quarter-pounder taste like it might be fit for human consumption?

9.  It’ll be Like Linda Cohn is Right in My Bedroom.  Again.

ESPN has announced its intentions to begin broadcasting programs in 3D starting with the World Cup in June.  To experience ESPN in 3D, viewers must have a 3D capable television, 3D glasses and a strong enough stomach to endure the illusion of being in the same room with Mark Schlereth.

10.  The Tiger Skank Payoff

Jaimee Grubbs is the first of Tiger’s mistresses to get her own Maxim spread.  Well, that we know of.

Further Reading:

Peyton Manning, Wheaties, Jethro Tull and Pork and Beans

Jon Heyman is a Big Fat Idiot

Randy Johnson MLB HOF Mustache

Waiting for Godunk: The Perth Screw Job and My Nationally Televised Hissy Fit

Smokin’ Hot Stove: Matt Holliday

Olympic Venues to be Built Using Recycled Guns and Knives

Fullback’s First Steps (Comedy)

Tommie Harris: “Organization Hung Me Out to Dry”

Matt Holliday Merchandise Options for Cardinals Fans

Dan Zinski is the lead blogger for The Viking Age. You can follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/acforever or send him tips at pukingdog1@yahoo.com.