[SP EXCLUSIVE]

Atheists are a bunch of intolerant bastards. Believe me: I hang out with a lot of them.

We’ll sit at the diner smoking cigarettes, looking effectual. You’d think we’re having conversations about humanistic reflections, seizing the immediacy of the moment, and the presence and power of life. You’d be wrong. Pretentiousness rules the day here. Given our narcissistic surety, it’s surprising we don’t order cabernet instead of coffee to wash down our plates of French fries. Granted, cigarettes and high-fat foods probably aren’t a rational combination for people who believe existence is a finite flash that should be relished, but that proves my point: Smugness rules the day. When it comes to our greasy spoons and the possible existence of God, we know best.

Not that we’re all angry atheists, mind you. (OK, there’s Donny, but he’s more of an agnostic, and I think he’s got issues of whether he ultimately fits into the group.) It’s just that we seem unnaturally consumed with ire for the believers and their supposed ongoing negative effect on society, the human race, and our own self-absorbed carpe diem-ing (which should be unfettered by other people’s beliefs). Our whole diner scene reminds me of my grandpa and his WWII buddies sitting around scarfing down burgers and complaining about Bill Clinton two years into Dubya’s second term. Puh-leez. Just pass the ketchup.